if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
