I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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