if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
