literally had 100 drinks last night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
