I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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