I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
