Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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