So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
you had me at cake vodka
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
