TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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