She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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