I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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