I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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