I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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