So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
