I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
