mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
