i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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