oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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