worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
