He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
cat food counts as protein by the way
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
