ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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