Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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