I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
