i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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