dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
