God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Is it penis luge time yet?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
