There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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