She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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