Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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