That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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