My liver just broke up with me...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
