Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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