Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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