btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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