My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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