make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
