i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
