just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
