Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize