i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
