You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize