i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
