I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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