if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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