At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
