I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They are going to name an STD after you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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