I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize