happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
