Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
