I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
