I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
