I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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