When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
