I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
