turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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