I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
