Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize