Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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