i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
