She's JV to your varsity
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
