There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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