somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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