I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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