Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Thank you for not boning my boss.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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