I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
